Nothing tastes as good as healthy feels.  

Part of my aging process has been noticing how foods make me feel. I can’t eat sugar anymore because it causes me to gain weight, over eat other foods and have uneven emotions. By abstaining from sugar and now, gluten and potatoes I have leveled out emotionally. I have also cut way down on cheese and carbs.

It is starting to get colder now that we are in October and I get winter food cravings.

Last week I had a yen for pasta with ricotta. I followed a recipe for a broccoli puree with raw garlic and ricotta. I substituted gluten free penne for the suggested short pasta. It was an easy recipe that only took about 15 minutes to prepare. I settled in my comfy blue recliner, clicked on Netflix and took my first bite. It was delicious, as were the second, third and even fourth bites.  Then I was full. I didn’t want anymore. The dish was too garlicky and too rich for me. I put it down and noticed a blah feeling. I don’t know if it was from the food directly or just being disappointed that it did not satisfy like I thought it would.  I won’t be having that dish again.

The next night Ron and I made a beef pot pie with gluten free puff pastry crust that we got from the frozen food aisle. This recipe was a bit complicated and we worked on it together with Ron concentrating on the beef and me cutting up the sweet potatoes, leeks and carrots.  We had thawed the puff pastry all day knowing from past experience that it puffed better when thawed rather than being frozen at bake time. Ron put the big black cast iron pan in a 425 degree oven for the final bake as we waited hopefully for our flavorful delight.

It was wonderful.  The gravy was just thick enough. The vegetables tender but not squishy and the thyme made it savory. We each had a serving and then another half serving which we usually don’t do. We complimented each other on how yummy it tasted. The crust was crunchy, golden brown and flaky. Ooh. Just lovely.  Then, the next morning I awoke feeling lousy. I felt nauseous and had a pounding headache.  I hadn’t had a food hangover for a long time because I haven’t been eating any flour- like products, even gluten free. So, another tasty recipe goes down the drain.

Last night we had a chicken breast, broccoli and cherry tomato saute over penne.  I sprinkled on a little lemon juice and added Parmesan cheese just before serving and it was scrumptious. I woke up this morning feeling fit as a fiddle.

I need to eat some carbs so I will keep paying attention to how I feel after I eat and keep readjusting. Because nothing tastes as good as healthy feels.




couple of things to say

It’s been a while. I felt unworthy and that I was saying the wrong things wrong.

I am back.

I have let go of cheese…can you believe it?   I am eating no grains. this leaves meat, vegetables, and fruit. I feel great and I have been sleeping very peacefully.

I am sorry I am am not sorry for a few things.

1.  It seems like I have lost a friend but I know that if a person is your friend only because of you doing things the way they want them done they are not a friend. So I guess I lost a non friend. I was surprised at how sad I feel. Oh well. Feelings are not facts.

2. I am sorry not sorry I am learning to set boundaries. I am awkward at it and I am practicing.

3. I am sorry not sorry for radical self care. Learning who I am, how I feel and what I need are new to me this year after 31 years of sobriety.

Enough of that. I am writing more and belong to a little writing group on line that I find charming and encouraging. I am content at my job and the dojo is thriving. Finding my son after 38 years has filled a hole in my heart and healed my soul.

sweatshirt 2

That is it for now. More to come.

Does Aikido work?

There seems to be need to defend aikido. As in :”Why do you train in Aikido. It doesn’t ‘work”?”

It depends on how we define “work”.

The benefits I have received from my training include:

* Spacial awareness
* Safety consciousness
* Enhanced spirituality
* Increased flexibility
* Enhanced physicality (ability to move freely at 60 years of age)
* Awareness of what it mine and what is yours regarding what to change
* Enhanced ability to see my own side of the street
* Enhanced ability to see the good and not so good in others and accept them as they are
* Not to mention, I am more patient, and much less likely to blame others for my responses.

We all train in our own ways and get our own results.


I would say Aikido “works” for me. Does it “work” for you and how does it “work”?


Serenity prayer aikido-

Serenity prayer aikido– what can I change? what can I accept?

And yes, Wisdom to know, now please.

Let uke grab and hold. Notice how it feels. Breathe, seek wisdom by staying with the feelings and moving with the energy provided.

The answers come in the situation, courage to change what we can, ourselves. Serenity to accept we can change ourselves, Wisdom to know which is which.

In life it can be trickier because bad motives cower behind good intentions. Careful attention must be paid to the now so the responsibility that comes from acceptance of what we can change does not allude or overwhelm us.

True technique and true love are rooted in this prayer and this practice.


I asked him to take it back but he didn’t.

Ki in daily life is the writing prompt Ron gave me a few days ago. I asked him to take it back but he didn’t.

I am feeling blah around it but I am practicing new behaviors so here we go.

I have noticed lately that I am feeling low. I am not excited to get out of bed. I am having a lot of negative thoughts like:

“I have worked my whole life and this is where I have ended up.”  I need to make more money or have more recognition.” Now the more money would be nice but I don’t need someone telling every second that I am doing a good job.

As I have said before I am turning sixty in a few days. I think the pall that I feel is because something in the back of my mind says 60 is the big one: the one where we really are all done. No more fun…just grown up hard stuff.

That being said…and I am going to keep telling about it until it passes because I know that it is a lie and if I keep telling it will diminish like all untruths…only the truth lasts and I want to live in the truth.

That being said…I feel great. Last night Ron and I went for a bike ride after work. We had a nice healthy dinner and then cleaned up the kitchen.

We played mitts and sticks and then an exciting game of “Ticket to Ride” where we had some healthy fun feuding.  He gets to wear the imaginary engineer hat and scarf because he won yet again.


Work felt long yesterday and I felt lonely for a bit and sad because I think I don’t get to see my family enough.

I noticed all this because I pay attention to my feelings and notice when they arise and how long they last and if they are true or a deliberate manufacturing of self-pity.

Ron and I have a lovely life together. Yet I can wander away from it to torture myself with “what ifs”…”what if we lose the house?, what if I die first?…what if I die last? What if I get dementia?  What if I am a street lady?”

I can let myself get filled with self-centered fear like a helium balloon that breaks the string and flies off to balloon heaven (or hell).


I practice ki in daily life by coming back to what is real. And what is real in each moment is that I am ok. I am so ok.

Then I can see if I am ok in this moment maybe I will be ok in all the moments. One moment at a time.

I come back to now by doing something physical…it may be going for a walk, hopping on my bike for a spin, doing some ki exercises, juggling for a few moments,  vacuuming the floor, sweeping the cobwebs off the lights and my mind. Sometimes I go out to the dojo and do rolls just to remind myself that I can.


I might write down what is bothering me, or I might write a gratitude list and share it with my gratitude group. I might write an email to my sponsor or tell Ron what is going on. I might write my blog. Sometimes I just get on my knees and pray for help. I have many tools to bring me back to the moment where all is well.

I think the challenge of getting older is to stay in the now as much as possible and to appreciate all the gifts that abound around me.

I do not have to give up and sit in my chair like my mother did. I want to grab the rest of this life and live it. I love to be alive and I am happy for the chance to see what my sixties look like on me.



mind body co-ordination

I asked Ron for a writing prompt and he gave me co-ordination of mind of body.
Mind body co-ordination is always a good subject. What can I write today about it? That it is more important than ever as I approach 60? God, sometimes it terrifies me to write that. I know, I know. It is better than the alternative.

But what can I say except that I feel 30 inside and so full of life and energy. I get hit with this melancholy that makes me ache for the younger me. But why? I feel young …I just don’t look young. Why do I want that angst-filled woman back now I am filled with serenity, acceptance, peace and contentment a lot of the time? I am what I feel like not what I look like.
dora and mary 12.15.15

The mirror has been surprising me. A new hair cut… a new hair color, several pounds lost…it is still me. I look and then let go again. The mind body co-ordination comes in when I accept….yes, I am going on 60 and this is what it feels like today. I have no physical complaints. I am fit and limber and moving well. I am as strong if not stronger than ever.

I see what O’Sensei meant about how we must defeat the mind of contention that we harbor within. It really is about false fears. There is nothing to be afraid of today. I look how I look and I feel how I feel. There is freedom in the acceptance of the truth. Thank you for the reminder, Ron, Sensei…you are always the sensible one when it comes to me.

Saviors or abusers.


kim and mir

I used to think that all men were saviors. Then I thought all men were abusers.

When I was a little girl I thought men kept us safe and protected us from the world. After I started training I thought all men hurt women and there was no hope.

Now I know the truth is complicated. Good men exist. Good men do bad things sometimes. Bad men do bad things and maybe good things sometimes.

No man is coming to save me. That is my job. I can learn from all situations. Every single moment can teach me more about survival and thriving.

I spent many years looking for my knight is shining armor. Trust me…he is not sitting on a bar stool.


I starting training in Aikido and found a good man: but better than that I found a good woman who no longer was willing to be saved or be abused.

In aikido I found my own power. It started subtly as I trained with men who were rough around the edges but had good hearts. Men who encouraged me to roll and to wear my white gi pants to fit in; that didn’t care if I looked pretty or got sweaty.

There were men in that dojo that were self-absorbed and sexist …just like there is all over the world.  There were men who did not want to be taught by a woman and who told me that women can’t get strong enough to protect themselves.

I just kept training and teaching. People that did not like our way at our dojo went away. We find that good people stay. We found that men are good and strong and respectful just as women are good and strong and respectful.

As we change, the people that we surround ourselves with change too.  I am responsible for the choices I make. As men and women train together they can receive and give the best from each other.